News from Planet Colonia
News from Planet Colonia is a comedy of science fiction series. Each episode consists of a monthly news report from Maria Dyck, formerly of Planet Earth.
Dyck was among a group of 1,000 families excommunicated from Earth during the Great Shunning-ing of 3084. The cancelled peoples of Earth were banished to Planet Colonia, located 10,000 light-years away. This hostile world is now home to an intergalactic diaspora of outcasts living in exile.
These transmissions are intended to share news of our brethren on Planet Colonia with their loved ones back on Earth.​
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Content Rating: General audiences
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Keywords: Fiction, comedy, sci-fi
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Episodes: 10
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E05: The Very Grave Illness of Mrs. Verna Toews
E06: The Planet of Family Values
E08: Steinbach Colony Council of Elders Vote Against Retail Cannabis
E10: Live Schlong and Prosper
"We do see some unusual forms of transportation here. Jimothy takes the public teleportation system to his office in Midtown. Personally, I’d rather walk. I feel safer on the ground. Especially after what happened to Jerry – his consciousness got beamed into a chicken while the rest of him ended up in Grunthal Colony."
E09: 'Tis the Season of Death and Taxes
"Christmas is a busy time on Planet Colonia, getting presents ready for the children. Most of the presents here are homemade. Boije from Friesenfeld 3-D prints toys from recycled plastic. We wrap the presents in old newspapers and place them under our holographic Christmas tree. The children look forward to playing with their cup-and-ball toys on Christmas morning."
E08: Steinbach Colony Council of Elders Vote Against Retail Cannabis
"The Steinbach Colony Council of Elders once again voted against human progress by banning retail cannabis in our community. Even though marijuana is legal on Planet Colonia, the elders voted against a motion allowing for licensed retail cannabis storefronts in Steinbach Colony."
E07: Dear Ms. Lonely Heart
"The Mennonite life is hard work – because everything else is a sin! I’m up before the crack of dawn calibrating the comms link, updating the firmware, and regretting my life choices. I spend all day taking care of the children while my husband, Jimothy, watches T.V. all day. He didn’t even notice my new haircut! What am I supposed to even do? It’s like I don’t even exist in this timeline."
E06: The Planet of Family Values
"Viktor Hellyah and their family took in two of Cory Zazzera’s children. The children were left motherless after Mrs. Nice Zazzera died in a freak crocheting accident. The youngest two children went to live with Cory’s mother in Mordeneia."
E05: The Very Grave Illness of Mrs. Verna Toews
"We mourn the passing of Mrs. Verna Toews. She died SD.07.02 at the ripe old age of 37, after an illness of seven months. She will be missed by all, including Charlie, the parasitic host that infected her."
E04: Caught on Kiss-Cam!
"We have a new boss at the terraforming plant. The former CEO of Terraformation Co., Mr. Daniel Reimer, resigned in disgrace after the kiss-cam at the Jets game caught him having an affair with Ms. Panterah Crang, Director of Human Resources. A new CEO has been appointed. Mr. Mort Stanley will start in two weeks. Maybe he’ll read the employee handbook’s section on ethics."
E03: Love is in the Water
"Daniel Reimer and Mary Boije became engaged on SD.05.06. The bachelorette party was off the hook - they served Virgin Marys! The wedding was solemnized on SD.05.24 at the Cornholio Boije residence. The bride looked beautiful in her black jersey dress and white-flower corsage. The young couple will live with his mother, Mrs. B. Lebowski."
E02: The Ol' Horse Hustle
"Mr. Lonny Kettler in Seinfeld Colony was unlucky too. Last week, a Phillies fan came along with two lovely horses to sell. Well, he bought them for a rather cheap price. The oxen were bought by the whole neighbourhood for butchering. A man from Neudorp came by a few days later to see what happened to his horses and oxen. The horses and oxen had to be given back with the money. I guess we’ve seen the last of it. It was a classic Horse Hustle scam."
E01: First Contact
"We barely made it through the rainy season. The cargo ships that supply our colony came back yesterday. They were stuck for weeks in our capital city, New Colonia – the sulfuric acid rain makes travel impossible on Planet Colonia. Consequently, the captain and crew had to spend Easter away from home. When the ships return, everyone rushes to grab their packages from Earth. But so many packages seem to get lost in the wormhole that many go back empty handed."