Zombie Office (Part 1)
- Alan Wiebe
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
By Alan Wiebe
Edited by Jesse Waters-Wolfe
Content Rating: PG-14
Jimothy Dyck was working overtime – again.
This time he was covering for Jerry, who hadn’t been seen since Monday. The birthday card for Linda he had left on Jerry’s desk was still lying there, unsigned.
“Where the hell is Jerry?” Jimothy complained to his boss, Cheryl. “He still owes me five dollars for Linda’s gift.”
“He never called in,” she said.
Cheryl didn’t even bother to look up from her computer.
“He’s probably dead. Got his face eaten off by a zombie.”
“We don’t know that,” Cheryl replied curtly in her usual matter-of-fact tone.
“It’s the way things work around here.” Jimothy answered. He looked awkwardly at her, trying to think of an excuse to go home early.
“Did you sign the card?” Cheryl finally asked.
Jimothy, sighing, pushed up his dark-rimmed glasses, held together with a strip of white tape, and went back to his cubicle. On the way he stopped by Jerry’s desk to steal his stapler.
Jerry’s job was to make the PowerPoint slides for Jimothy’s quarterly sales report. Now it was Jimothy’s problem – and he couldn’t get that damn YouTube video to play. Jimothy was just about ready to lose it, so he took a deep breath and reached out to I.T. for help.
A few minutes later, Suzi from I.T. shuffled into Jimothy’s office, her favourite assault rifle slung over her shoulder.
The government’s solution to the zombie apocalypse was to arm the citizenry with more guns, thinking, in their usual way, that the problem would eventually just go away if they threw enough bullets at it.
Suzi leaned her rifle against Jimothy’s desk and greeted him with a nervous smile.
“Hey, Jimothy.” Suzi’s smile lingered as she ran a hand through her long, blonde hair.
“Hey, Suzi,” Jimothy mumbled, “I can’t get this video to play.”
“Hmmm – lemme see,” Suzi leaned in close, her chipped red-painted nails brushing Jimothy’s hand on the computer mouse. Suzi clicked open the video of @hernameismswhiskers the cat hanging from a tree with the caption, ‘Hang in there!’”
“Ha! I love @hernameismswhiskers.” Suzi giggled as she touched Jimothy’s arm. Her hand felt cold and clammy against his skin. “Did you watch Mystery Cat last night?” Suzi asked.
“Yes!” Jimothy grinned. He loved the hit television series, Mystery Cat! Starring @hernameismswhiskers as the crime-solving cat, Kitty Holmes, and her partner, Detective Rachel Miau.
“@hernameismswhiskers is totally a zombie!” Jimothy claimed, “The studio never even replaced her!”
“I know, right!?!” Suzi laughed out loud, leaning in closer. “They’re not even trying to hide it!”
“That’s Hollywood – drag out a show until it’s way past dead.”
“Yeah, haha…” Suzi blushed as she made eyes at Jimothy. “So, what are you doing after work? I’d love to…grab a bite together.”
Suzi leaned in close, allowing Jimothy the chance to see the mark on her arm. A rotting flesh wound made by the mouth of a zombie. Within hours, Suzi would become deathly ill with the zombie fever, exhibiting the tell-tale symptoms of pale and sweaty skin, irritability, confusion, and an uncontrollable, unsatiable, uncompromising hunger.
Jimothy glanced up. Suzi was licking her lips, and not in her usual way. Her wanting eyes hungered for a hunk of Jimothy’s man-flesh.
“Suzi – you’re infected!” Jimothy exclaimed, loud enough for the entire office to hear.
"No," she shrieked, "You are!" They both reached for the assault rifle.
The next few moments in the office descended into pandemonium as news of Suzi’s infection spread.
Ted from accounting spilled hot coffee on his shirt as he reached for his revolver. Sherry from public relations shrieked, “It’s not an outbreak!” she insisted, “It’s an unexpected health challenge!” Devin took one look at the clock and said, “Fuck this!” He sprinted down the stairs, out the door, and around the corner where he ran head first into a zombie horde.
The office watched from the third floor as Devin got his face eaten off by zombies. It was another goddamn fucking Wednesday at the office. “Not bad,” Jimothy thought as he eyed Devin’s new office chair…
