Bad News Bears

S02E04: News from Planet Colonia - The Shunning-ing Continues, "Bad News Bears"

Content Rating: PG

Stardate (SD): SD.3088.05.23

Welp!

Here I am to bring you more bad news from our settlement on Planet Colonia.

Know that it gives me no pleasure to write the news.

A baby girl was born to Mr. Daniel and Aileen Reimer. Mrs. Reimer suffered much pain for 7 days. Aileen passed at her home on SD.04.08. Many colonists attended the funeral. It’s a great tragedy for our colony. We grieve with the family.

The baby is healthy and well.

Let’s hope it stays that way.

In more uplifting news, Corneesh Zazerra captured an insectoid. The alien locust tried to escape but was fried in a giant bug zapper.

Mr. Delbergo Boil took his daughter, Bonny, to New Colonia City. Bonny was to receive her new retinal implants. They returned just before Easter. I haven’t seen her yet.

Mr. Cory Zazerra and son Evan went to Zohorne to see Dr. Dwieback. Evan was thought to have appendicitis, but Dr. Dwieback said it was just another lame Wednesday.

The children were vaccinated against the Blippi virus. Many of the injections didn’t work. The parents will have to put up with it a little longer.

Mrs. Norma-Jean Harder had bad luck the other day. She tripped over a standing floor lamp and busted up her leg. She is doing fine, aside for the crippling pain.

Mr. Pete-Petey and Florence Peters went along to New Colonia City to see Dr. Zwieback. They refuse to tell me what the doctor said. I have filed a Freedom of Information Request with the Department of Nosey Neighbours.

It was a happy day when Mr. Hayne Boije’s freight box arrived from Planet Earth. Everyone swarmed to watch his unboxing video.      

Mrs. Cheryl Selanne is feeling better now. She does most of the housework while Mr. Selanne watches baseball. The couple recently received an email from their children on Earth. They send heart emojis to all their friends.

Zara Boije returned from New Colonia City, where he lives with his mistress.

We have a new bishop in our colony. He calls himself D.J. Funky Fresh – “the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.” Many of the bishop’s followers on social media attended his initiation rituals.

That’s pretty much it, I guess.

Best regards to all my relatives and father, Mr. Jimbert Dyck.

My husband, Jimothy, says hello. He’s in the middle of a D&D campaign that’s been going on for several light-years.

That’s life on Planet Colonia!

Until next time,

Not my job – union rules!

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

-End Transmission-