News from Planet Colonia

Stardate (SD): 3088.01.18 Hello people and aliens of these strange worlds – in these times of high strangeness…   Happy New Year!   I dread Christmas every year. Thank goodness it’s over! We’re declaring a prosperous year for everyone living on this ridiculous planet, where everything is trying to kill us, including the sulfuric acid rain.   We enjoyed our holidays, as tiresome as they become. We had the in-laws over – what a bunch of weirdos! Most colonists had places to go

Stardate (SD): 3088.01.04   Hey, friendos!   It’s hot as heck out here – phew !   We don’t see many colonists outside during the summer months. The twin suns of Planet Colonia assault our homeworld with deadly ultraviolet rays that push surface temperatures past 60°C – even on cloudy days such as this. Most colonists shelter underground to escape the extreme heat. I could sure go for an ice-cold piña colada right about now!   The crops are starting to ripen, for which everyon

Stardate (SD): 3087.11.16 Hi-diddly-ho, neighbourinos!   The Steinbach Colony Council of Elders once again voted against human progress by banning retail cannabis in our community. Even though marijuana is legal on Planet Colonia, the elders voted against a motion allowing for licensed retail cannabis storefronts in Steinbach Colony.   “Cannabis was invented by the devil to trick young people into playing heavy metal music,” claimed Mayor Dewalt Penner.   It seems the elders

Stardate (SD): 3087.11.09 Dear Ms. Lonely Heart,   The Mennonite life is hard work – because everything else is a sin! I’m up before the crack of dawn calibrating the comms link, updating the firmware, and regretting my life choices. I spend all day taking care of the children while my husband, Jimothy, watches T.V. all day. He didn’t even notice my new haircut! What am I supposed to even do? It’s like I don’t even exist in this timeline.   We had quite a frost in this timeli

Stardate (SD): 3087.09.21 Friends, relatives, and readers,   The starship Schekjbenjel  took some colonists to do maintenance on our public teleportation system. Our new transit system beamed several colonists to random receivers throughout the planet. One colonist was de-particle-ized in Altoona Colony and partially re-assembled in New New Bothwell. There must be a glitch in the code because it sucks we have to delay BINGO night for a few days.   People are butchering pigs m

Stardate (SD): 3087.08.17 Dearest friends and relatives of Planet Earth,   We mourn the passing of Mrs. Verna Toews. She died SD.07.02 at the ripe old age of 37, after an illness of seven months. She will be missed by all, including Charlie, the parasitic host that infected her.   Verna Toews (née Plett) was born Earth-year September 4, 3047 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, back when “How You Remind Me” by Nickleback  was the Canadian national anthem.   At age 18, Verna met Mr. Melvin

Stardate (SD): 3087.07.20   Greetings from Planet Colonia, the land of milk and honey-mustard chicken fingers.   The summer rains are here. Was it a day that passed so quickly that another season has come and gone? Almost everyone made it home before yesterday’s torrential downpour of sulfuric acid rain. Jerry was still out in the field when it started to drizzle. He was severely burned before crawling to safety beneath a collapsed bridge. Mr. Jason Flaggerty performed a rain

Stardate (SD): 3087.06.29 Hello, everyone. I’ll spend another evening with you. Perhaps you’ll find some value in this update.   I’d like to thank Sauron Letkeman for the message. Letkemen wrote, “Long-time listener, first-time caller - your broadcasts prompted me to reach out. I’m a huge fan!” I certainly wish they would prompt my former schoolmates and friends to follow my blog, News from Planet Colonia !   We’re glad to receive letters from Earth, no matter who sends them.

Stardate (SD): 3087.06.01 Greetings, Earthlings. I’ve got more news from Planet Colonia.   Mr. Jackov Siemens shot a space werewolf on the evening of SD.05.06. Two more were spotted but managed to escape. This humanoid wolf-beast again caught a cow for its luscious meal. If only they would eat the whole cow, it wouldn’t cost so many – but they only devour what they like: the liver, heart, and blood, leaving the rest for someone else to clean up. Then they catch another. We se

Stardate (SD): 3087.03.29 We barely made it through the rainy season. The cargo ships that supply our colony came back yesterday. They were stuck for weeks in our capital city, New Colonia – the sulfuric acid rain makes travel impossible on Planet Colonia. Consequently, the captain and crew had to spend Easter away from home. When the ships return, everyone rushes to grab their packages from Earth. But so many packages seem to get lost in the wormhole that many go back empty