Dear Ms. Lonely Heart

S01E07: News from Planet Colonia, "Dear Ms. Lonely Heart"

Content Rating: PG

Stardate (SD): 3087.11.09

Dear Ms. Lonely Heart,

The Mennonite life is hard work – because everything else is a sin! I’m up before the crack of dawn calibrating the comms link, updating the firmware, and regretting my life choices. I spend all day taking care of the children while my husband, Jimothy, watches T.V. all day. He didn’t even notice my new haircut! What am I supposed to even do? It’s like I don’t even exist in this timeline.

We had quite a frost in this timeline. It’s been dry lately and we need more water. Most colonists already seeded their hot dogs. This genetically enhanced crop grows protein tubes that taste like juicy wieners. Too bad the hot dog crop won’t come up until we get more water.

The climate on Planet Colonia rains sulfuric acid. Nobody here sings in the rain because sulfuric acid dissolves human flesh in seconds. Jerry is unfortunate to still be alive after getting caught in the rain without personal protective equipment – he was severely burned before taking shelter under a collapsed bridge.

The good news is that we developed a method for converting sulfuric acid into water. This method of electrolysis breaks the acid down into hydrogen, oxygen, and sulfur compounds. Our ElectroLis-9000 machine then turns the hydrogen and oxygen into water (H2O). The extra sulfur is recycled into batteries and fertilizer. Our future on Planet Colonia depends on how much water we can produce.

We hope we’ll get more water soon so the gardens can improve. Some colonists have lettuce and cabbage. As for ourselves, we don’t have any greens because Jimothy lost all our seeds in a bad bet. The Toronto Maple Leafs never did win the Stanley Cup.

Mrs. Henrietta Walt moved into her habitat on SD.09.27. I’m sure she’ll feel right at home with her new garden close by.

Mr. Chuck Buhler was randomly selected for the annual Harvest Moon Festival human sacrifice to Glormak, god of perogies. Mr. Buhler was tossed into the Lake of Fire. Thank you, Chuck – that it wasn’t me! We can still hear your screams in our night terrors. Maybe my husband will be the chosen one next year - one can only hope.

Congratulations also to Mr. and Mrs. Pete and Lolita Peters in Altoona Colony. They had a baby boy born on SD.09.16. We welcome a baby girl born on SD.09.18 to Mr. and Mrs. Denny and Leona Walt in Campo 9.

Insectoids seem to be more common around here again. Mr. F. U. Harder caught one in his trap. This sentient insect-like being begged for its life before Mr. Harder shot it – hilarious! This trap was owned by Thomias Stanley, Mort Stanley, Shaan Hildebrandt, and us, Jimothy Dycks. We each got about 58 pounds of meat. It was my idea to build this trap, despite what Jimothy’s been telling the neighbours.

A reptilian lifestyle influencer was seen lately by Anatopp Siemens when they went to Altoona Colony. Lifestyle influencers here are basically vloggers with no sense of shame. This one left them alone, thankfully.

Thomias Stanely shot a margooth the other day. It’s called a margooth because it has 10 tentacles. This one had taken several hens already. Yes, these margooth have had more chicken dinners than us.

Mr. Shaan Harder and Mr. Jakob-John Funk from Seinfeld Colony bought a pig in Mennotoba. Herman Hildebrandts butchered a pig last week.

Mr. Eff-Mi Harder, son of Mr. F. U. Harder, had back luck last Saturday when he fell through a gas giant. Everything worked out. Mr. Harder was caught on the other side. The accident happened while Harder was working at a natural gas processing plant on Planet Fart. According to Fart Inc., the company that supplies natural fart gas to Planet Colonia, Harder fell off a rack without his safety tether. He narrowly avoided getting hurtled into the endless void of deep space. Harder suffered minor injuries to both his legs. Dr. Zwieback, our colony doctor, wrote Harder a prescription for bear fat.  

Mr. and Mrs. Jason and Candance Flaggerty returned from Colonia City. The newlywed couple went on honeymoon to the five-star Grand Beach Hotel Resort and Casino. Jimothy took me to Grunthal, Manitoba for our honeymoon - how romantic! Jason and Candance were also in Colonia City waiting on new parts for the colony starship, the Schekjbenjel.

The man from Yantzeed who is building a starship spaceport came here with some bankers from Colonia City. The first starship flight from Earth was supposed to arrive yesterday. Unfortunately, the flight was cancelled because the starship airline went on strike.

Richard Reimer and Christov Hellyah visited here for a few days to see what life is like in Steinbach Colony. They left immediately after learning the closest liquor store is located in the next town, 72 miles south of here. I should take a lesson from our dearly departed visitors, and bounce.

Something terrible happened in Colonia Steinbach when a bunch of Phillies fans stole Abram Ferris-Wheeler’s hover tractor, and a pair of harvesting droids from Alwin Baldwin. It seems nothing can be done about these thieves. It’s a great loss since everything is so expensive now. Jimothy insists we’ll have money when he sells his screenplay.

That’s life on Planet Colonia.

Until next time,

Longing for love in Steinbach Colony.

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

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