Live Schlong and Prosper

Stardate (SD): 3088.01.18

Hello people and aliens of these strange worlds – in these times of high strangeness…

Happy New Year!

I dread Christmas every year. Thank goodness it’s over! We’re declaring a prosperous year for everyone living on this ridiculous planet, where everything is trying to kill us, including the sulfuric acid rain.

We enjoyed our holidays, as tiresome as they become. We had the in-laws over – what a bunch of weirdos! Most colonists had places to go - and those that didn’t were welcome with a friend – or ex-boyfriend! We also remember those we lost to the void of space. May their spirits live on as they drift for all eternity into the black nothingness.

We do see some unusual forms of transportation here. Jimothy takes the public teleportation system to his office in Midtown. Personally, I’d rather walk. I feel safer on the ground. Especially after what happened to Jerry – his consciousness got beamed into a chicken while the rest of him ended up in Grunthal Colony. Then we have the giant freighters that carry inter-planetary cargo. Our colony ship, the starship Schekjbenjel, runs errands for us on Earth. We also have local planetary transit ships and an interstellar spaceport. So many children have been injured in hoovering e-scooter accidents. Vote “Yes” to Bill C-35: Improving Hoovering e-Scooter Safety; the Affordable Big-Screen T.V. Act; and the Pelican Brief Accord.

Christov Hellyah, son of Mr. and Mrs. Don and Lena Hellyah, came back from his visit to Mennotoba on SD.12.01. How he enjoyed his visit I haven’t the foggiest clue.

There was a big meeting on SD.11.29 to discuss converting the next planet over into a data centre. There is supposed to be a lot of income in that, which is needed. Let’s hope everything goes to plan.  

Mort Stanley, CEO of Terraformation Co., has been very unfortunate this past month. First of all, his face was scarred when an over-pressurized oxygen pipe burst, causing a severe burn. When that was beginning to heal, a four-legged All-Terrain-Transport stepped on his foot. Luckily, he was wearing steel-toed space boots.

Rev. John-Jakob Funk went to Mennotoba a week before Christmas. He just dropped a new podcast episode called, “Sermon on the Blount with Rev. Funky-Fresh.” Check it out wherever you download your fine podcasts.

More colonists are importing cattle from Earth. Herman Harder of Colonia Steinbach bought a new genetically enhanced chocolate milking cow. More cattle, more barns. That’s what they say. Thomias Stanley also built a small barn in his bio-dome. They have a cow that freshened. How we miss hamburgers, since meat is so very scarce and expensive here. Meals aren’t too appetizing with our “gloop,” a type of gruel we mix with water. 

On SD.12.20, Henrietta Walt and her children came to see their friends here.

Evalt Reimer and Mr. and Mrs. Jakob-John and Beatrice Funk went to see Dr. Zwieback. Mrs. Funk is getting a new exoskeleton and Mr. Reimer is having an operation on his leg. Dr. Zwieback said he would never be able to dunk a ball again. Mr. Reimer never claimed he could.

Mr. F. U. Harder is helping out at the general store now. I reckon they’re cooking last year’s books. Things got a little messy after the mob took over.

The Schekjbenjel brought self-welding rectangles from Earth. I’m telling you, colonists swarmed to the store like insectoid alien locust scum! Also, very many letters made it through the wormhole. Me thinks the programmers fixed the wonky code.

School Christmas concerts were held throughout the colonies. I attended the concert in Colonia Steinbach. Little Edvalt Reimer’s portrayal of Ebenezer Scrooge in the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol – was pathetic. The kid’s a hack! Congratulations Thomias Stanley for the worst casting choice ever. We had a great evening!

Mr. and Mrs. Feeter and Gloria Harder send best regards to their relatives. Mrs. Harder sometimes wonders if she still has a sister living in Winkler, Manitoba. Jared and Cheryl Selanne sold their Bitcoin and made a small fortune – they would like to rub it in everyone’s faces.

That’s life on Planet Colonia.

Until next time,

Live schlong and prosper!

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

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