You Wouldn’t Download a Baby!

S02E01: News from Planet Colonia - The Shunning-Ing Continues, "You Wouldn't Download a Baby!"

Content Rating: PG

Stardate (SD): SD.3088.02.15

It’s been soo very hot the past two weeks. They say this is the hottest summer ever recorded on Planet Colonia since we started collecting data – 3 weeks ago. We have climate change here, too, but it depends on who controls the thermostat.

Terraforming is going strong. We hope to have breathable air in one or two generations.

We are currently planting genetically modified corn engineered to withstand the sulfuric acid rain that destroys everything on this stupid rock.

Most dingleberries have already been harvested, except for the Jumbo variety, which need another month to ripen. Dingleberries taste like sweet Nordic raspberries, but they really do smell like ass!

The stork has been busy this month, delivering “Skip the Dishes.” We tell our children that babies come from the cloud.

Mr. and Mrs. Feeter and Gloria Harder downloaded twin boys. They were copy and pasted into our simulation. The twins were born New Year’s Day, SD.01.01. Their names are Bert and Ernie, weighing 7 GB each.

Mr. and Mrs. John-Jakob and Kourtney Funk welcomed a baby boy on SD.01.14. Mr. and Mrs. Kenny and K-Town Harder had a daughter, Adina, on SD.01.11. Congratulations. You’ll need all the help you can get in this economy.

A gathering of grandchildren and great-grandchildren was held at Mr. and Mrs. Ham and Elvira Vajayjay’s. At least 65 Vajayjays attended.

Mr. Daniel Reimer is building a fusion reactor. The last one blew up the entire town of New New Bothwell. It is what it is.

Mrs. Mildred Zwiebach picked 9 pails of nice peaches growing in her habitat. Mr. Oculus Tide picked 8 pails. Jason Flaggerty picked 3. His yummy peach is the most bootylicous of them all.

Mr. Evalt Reimer went to see Dr. Zwieback some time ago. Dr. Zwieback gave him 3 or 4 months to live before his subscription to life expires.  

Beatrice Funk went to see Dr. Zwieback to fit-test her new exoskeleton. Dr. Zwieback was running late. Beatrice is still stuck in the waiting room!

Mr. Tobert Stanley had tough luck last week when he accidentally laser-cut his finger at the parts factory. He had it cared for by the nurse, Tina Braun. I guess it’s okay now.

Mrs. Cheryl Selanne has been ill for several weeks. Mr. Jared Selanne took her to a better doctor in the Western Frontier. The geriatric couple are older than sin.

There was a report from Earth that an original N64 video game console was stolen from the Louvre in Paris. Mr. Selanne once played one of these ancient consoles. He remembered all the cheat codes for Golden Eye.

My husband, Jimothy, went fishing. He was caught off the coast by a trolling vessel, but they threw him back for being too stupid.

That’s life on Planet Colonia!

Until next time,

Beware of office zombies.

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

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