The Ol' Horse Hustle

Stardate (SD): 3087.06.01

Greetings, Earthlings. I’ve got more news from Planet Colonia.

Mr. Jackov Siemens shot a space werewolf on the evening of SD.05.06. Two more were spotted but managed to escape. This humanoid wolf-beast again caught a cow for its luscious meal. If only they would eat the whole cow, it wouldn’t cost so many – but they only devour what they like: the liver, heart, and blood, leaving the rest for someone else to clean up. Then they catch another. We sell werewolf fur in town and I heard you can make good soap from their flesh. Let’s hope they can shoot more as they’re a real danger to our livestock.

Mr. and Mrs. Lonny and Ava Kettler were the proud parents of a baby boy born on SD.04.05. They lost it almost too quickly. He died on SD.04.09. The funeral took place in Altoona Colony.

Mr. Henry Walt and his three sisters, who live quite a distance from Zhohorne, and among the Phillies fans, were here for several weeks on vacation. They want to see if they can find employment here. Mr. Walt is still on E.I. after several months.

The recently married Mr. and Mrs. Luke and Annah Funk live near the terraforming plant where he works daily.

The terraforming process is getting quite up-to-date. An office building is set up for the manager so they can do their job more efficiently. Of course, there are always new developments to make this and that work better.  

School has started here. If you’re curious as to who the teachers are, I’ll name them for you:

• Colonia City, Professor Fart teaches Menno-sciences at Planet Zummaborscht Mennonite University;

• Colonia Steinach, Mr. Herman Harder (Farmer Sausage Physics);

• Seinfeld Colony, Mr. Hayne Boije (Bible Study);

• Friesenfeld, Mr. Arcane Chin (Sunday School);

• Campo 9, Mr. Denny Walt (non-violent martial arts);

• New New Bothwell, Mr. Mort Stanley (Dyck Jokes 101)

• Altoona Colony, Mr. Anatopp Siemens (crokinole);

• Weinerfeld, Mr. Daniel Reimer (hymns), who came here from Mennotoba and married Ms. Wendy McDonalds. 

It seems as though accidents never sleep. Mr. F. U. Harder had a bad accident lately. The accident occurred while he was fixing the Gravitron-9000. Mr. Harder forgot to turn it off before accidentally getting sucked into the generator, maiming him terribly. They managed to hit the emergency shut-off before he got turned inside out. As far as I know, he’s still not better.

Harrison Dyck also had an accident when he got his hand squashed in the tube-bender.

Mr. Lonny Kettler in Seinfeld Colony was unlucky too. Last week, a Phillies fan came along with two lovely horses to sell. Well, he bought them for a rather cheap price. The oxen were bought by the whole neighbourhood for butchering. A man from Neudorp came by a few days later to see what happened to his horses and oxen. The horses and oxen had to be given back with the money. I guess we’ve seen the last of it. It was a classic Horse Hustle scam.

Brrr… The month of Avril Lavigne was very cold. The cold gave us the feeling it was time to butcher pigs, which we did with Cornholio Boijes. It’ll be quite a change from the turkey-dinner-flavoured protein shakes we drink. As for ourselves, we haven’t much to complain about after catching a big insectoid locust scum in its den. Lard is very expensive and oil is scarce. The meals are measly without lard or meat. 

My husband, Jimothy Dyck, his brother Willy Dyck, and Rev. John-Jakob Funk went out with the oxen to get pigs. The fellows were gone nearly four days, but they brought pigs alright. Travelling with oxen takes a long time. Rev. Funk’s pig ran away and they couldn’t catch it. They had to shoot the pig and butcher it right there. Rev. Funk discovered he lost his digital wallet containing some 100 Bitcoin. To date, Funk still hasn’t found it.

Mr. Peter-Peter Peters of Friesenfeld is building a craft brewery. He has quite a start, but I haven’t seen it yet. Let’s hope it will be ready in time for the playoffs.

The new portal is almost downloaded. Colonists are constantly talking about getting a teleportation device to replace our old-fashioned oxen and carts.

Mr. Rani, Ranold, and Randall River journeyed up the river by boat to get pigs from Yantzeed. They didn’t travel very far. It took them nine hours to go upstream and three hours downstream. That was the end of their journey.

Mr. Shaan Harder and Mrs. B. Lebowski returned from Mennotoba on SD.04.13. They have lots to talk about when you meet them. Everything is better there with cows and other things. They have lots of schmaundt fat, but with the years, I suppose we will get there too.

Mr. Jameson Stanley, who went to Mennotoba, plans to come back for the Harvest Festival, when a random colonist is sacrificed to Glormak, god of Wi-Fi.

Our ship made it back in one piece with Jason Flaggerty. Dr. Zwieback was supposed to come along this time, but he won’t be ready for another two or three moon cycles. A dentist also wants to pay us a visit in the near future.

Mrs. Serena Tide is reported better, but not completely healed. She’s at least on her feet. Mrs. Claudia Felele has been about for some time, though her condition remains weak. Mrs. Verna Toews is still in bed.

The knackzoat is ripe now and lucky are those with zoat to knack.

Well, that’s life on Planet Colonia. If you’re interested, I’ll see you again next month with more news. Wishing you the very best of health and happiness.

Until next time,

May the farts be with you!

Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

-End Transmission-

E03: Love is in the Water