Steinbach Colony Council of Elders Vote Against Retail Cannabis

S01E08: News from Planet Colonia, "Steinbach Colony Council of Elders Vote Against Retail Cannabis"

Content Rating: PG

Stardate (SD): 3087.11.16

Hi-diddly-ho, neighbourinos!

The Steinbach Colony Council of Elders once again voted against human progress by banning retail cannabis in our community. Even though marijuana is legal on Planet Colonia, the elders voted against a motion allowing for licensed retail cannabis storefronts in Steinbach Colony.

“Cannabis was invented by the devil to trick young people into playing heavy metal music,” claimed Mayor Dewalt Penner.

It seems the elders in Steinbach Colony prefer their outdated traditions of religious legalism over implementing bipartisan policies that benefit all groups equally. While everyone else on Planet Colonia adapts to modern day issues, the elders of Steinbach Colony would rather keep us stuck in some musty old church basement, like it’s still Earth-year 2018. I guess we’ll just have to keep buying our weed in the next town over.

In other news, the new Steinbach Colony Event Centre had their grand opening this past week. The new mixed-use venue has a capacity of 5,000 people for sporting events, concerts, and shotgun weddings. I look forward to one day seeing a heavy metal concert at the new Steinbach Colony Event Centre, but only if the elders allow it – and only if it’s a Christian heavy metal band, of course.

It’s been cloudy for some time now with intermittent showers of sulfuric acid rain. The climate on Planet Colonia rains sulfuric acid and as you’ve heard before, we need more rain to convert this corrosive chemical into water for our gardens.

The gardens don’t look very good this year due to a lack of water and late planting. There was no point in planting earlier because we had a random frost that killed most of our crops. The weather on Planet Colonia is difficult to predict. We could have winter weather one day and summer the next, from scorching highs of 60°C to bone-chilling lows dipping below -80°C. It seems everything is late this year.

Our geriatric neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Jared and Cheryl Selanne, are doing fairly well overall, except that Mr. Selanne has asthma, which makes working difficult at times. Mrs. Selanne, meanwhile, is keen as ever to complain about the young people and how, in her day, you could play video games without paying for a subscription. Mr. Selanne bought an old cow from Mr. Peter-Peter Peters. He didn’t have the pleasure of owning it for very long. The cow got bitten by a venomous sand-viper and because of its age, couldn’t pull through. You’d be surprised by how much the Selannes can do, even though they're older than Noah.

Mr. F. U. Harder shot an insectoid on SD.09.28. The meat from this alien locust scum was split between Mr. Harder, Mr. Jakov Siemens, Mr. Luke Funk, and Mr. Jimothy Dyck.

Mrs. Rolanda Boil from Steinbach Colony went along to New Colonia City. She ordered new retinal implants, a type computer chip that replaces the need for traditional eyeglasses.

Mr. Franz Fishstick from Mennotoba came to Colonia Steinbach for a visit. He plans to leave when our colony starship, the Schekjbenjel, leaves for New Colonia City. Good riddance - he was really starting to get on my nerves!

Mr. Pete Turnip, captain of the starship Schekjbenjel, resigned from his position. He plans to buy a starship of his own. Mr. Vlad Narth is taking his place at the helm.  

Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Ham and Elvira Vajayjay. They just had a baby boy named Blobert, born in the month of Oktoberfest. Mr. and Mrs. Hayne and Karentha Boije are the proud parents of a baby girl named Marije, also born in Oktoberfest. I’m so sorry, Marije, that you were brought into this cruel, cruel world.

More and more pigs are being imported into our colony. Mr. Gene Boije and Mr. Hayne Boije went to the town of Peptobismahl and traded some old Metallica CDs for a few pigs. Rev. John-Jakob Funk and his son-in-law also went to Peptobismahl for pigs.

Bexley Zarakaiza, Leonard Brown, and Pete Turnip bought the new PlayStation-9000 video game console. The graphics are so real you can get PTSD from playing Call of Duty. Jerry is still in therapy after his unit got wiped out by a 14-year-old noob.

Jason Flaggerty has made tough luck with the starship Schekjbenjel. He is waiting for new parts after the hyper-drive broke down again. It’s happened several times already.

Terraformation Co. is producing oxygen again after a fire broke out at their facility. I hear they’re still calibrating the new fire mitigation system.

Mr. Alain Walt and Mr. Anatopp Siemens have been working in the Western frontier for several weeks. I suppose Mrs. Henrietta Walt is getting pretty sick of staying with her mother-in-law, who also lives there. Two of the Walt’s daughters came here to work. The Walts themselves are still in the Western frontier, among the Annukites, an alien race native to this planet.

A starship from Earth landed at the new spaceport owned by Mr. Paul-Martin-Taylor. A francophone from La Broquerie, Manitoba was among the passengers. He wants to build a cheese factory here.

Mr. Herman Harder reported a funny sight in New Colonia City. He saw an Annukite coming along with a cow. The Annukite stopped in front of a hotel. A foreigner came out and milked the cow right there. The foreigner paid for the milk and went back inside. What do you think, folks – isn’t that a handy way to transport milk? We learn much from the indigenous Annukites in our cultural exchange of ideas, technology, and blood sports!

Mr. Randi River finally came home from medical leave. He stayed for 11 weeks at the five-star Grand Beach Hotel Casino and Resort after insisting to his wife he sprained his eyelid. His wife suspected Mr. River was faking it after she caught him winking at the cute server from Mike’s Diner.

Mr. Wade Fischbach is ill with what Dr. Zwieback believes to be chronic wasting disease caused by his wife’s terrible cooking. It’s a tough pill for Mr. Fischbach to swallow. He’s down to 120 pounds. I’m sure it would take two men to fill his pants now. Mr. Fischbach’s sons, who live in the Western frontier, came home to see their father and help with the planting.

Mr. Markuth Kahn is also in poor health. Dr. Zwieback doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

A sickness is going around in the Western frontier that is believed to be a new coronavirus variant. Let’s hope they can stop the spread of COVID-19482019. Here we go again!

A wealthy man behind Colonia Steinbach is developing land for a new strip mall. He wants to put up an American Eagle there.

That’s life on Planet Colonia,

Until next time.

Slaaayer!

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

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