’Tis the Season of Death and Taxes

Stardate (SD): 3088.01.04

Hey, friendos!

It’s hot as heck out here – phew!

We don’t see many colonists outside during the summer months. The twin suns of Planet Colonia assault our homeworld with deadly ultraviolet rays that push surface temperatures past 60°C – even on cloudy days such as this. Most colonists shelter underground to escape the extreme heat. I could sure go for an ice-cold piña colada right about now!

The crops are starting to ripen, for which everyone is glad. We are all connected in this harvest work. The fruits of the spirit are doing well. There is an abundance of peace, love, and joy in the land. My patience has been wearing thin of late, but thankfully, there is much kindness, goodness, and gentleness for all my misgivings. We also have chocolate-covered peanuts for Christmas that we saved from last year’s crop – talk about self-control!

Christmas is a busy time on Planet Colonia, getting presents ready for the children. Most of the presents here are homemade. Boije from Friesenfeld 3-D prints toys from recycled plastic. We wrap the presents in old newspapers and place them under our holographic Christmas tree. The children look forward to playing with their cup-and-ball toys on Christmas morning.  

The sulfuric acid summer rainy season is here. We needed this rain badly to convert the acid into water for our gardens. Unfortunately, the corrosive rain has grounded our transport freighters for quite a few weeks.

Elizaborscht Toews, daughter of Mr. Melvin Toews and his deceased wife, Mrs. Verna Toews, may she rest in peace, got engaged to Clarence Froese, son of Mr. and Mrs. Rani and Jolene River. The engagement party was held at the bride’s family home on SD.11.11. Mrs. River presented the couple with a gift set of laser-cutting steak knives.

Mr. and Mrs. Jakob-John and Beatrice Funk celebrated their silver wedding anniversary on SD.11.16. They served faspa with buns, cold cuts, cheese, pickles, coffee, and cake. There were several guests in attendance, including Presendente Blorp, the leader of Planet Colonia, who announced a new tax on silver.

Nothing is certain in life except for death and taxes.

We regret to report the passing of Mr. Wade Fischbach on SD.11.04. He suffered a terrible affliction known as chronic wasting disease, caused by his wife’s terrible cooking. Dr. Zwieback gave up on Mr. Fischbach right before he went on vacation. Wade couldn’t eat very well and mostly drank milk by the time he passed.

Wade Markiplier Fischbach was born Earth-year July 20, 3036 in Kleefeld, Manitoba, right before climate change ruined everything.

At age 25, Wade met his wife, Leigh-Annie (née Romero), a lawyer for pets. The happy couple married in the fall of Earth-year 3062.

Wade was among a group of Mennonite families banished to Planet Colonia during the Great Shunning-ing of Earth-year 3084, where he settled in Friesenfeld Colony with his family. He was a beloved member of the community and was best known for his massive intergalactic stamp collection.

Wade is survived by his wife Mrs. Leigh-Annie Fischbach and his sons, Berry, Clyde, and daughter, Chelseah Fischbach.

The funeral for Wade Fishbach was held on SD.11.05 in Friesenfeld Colony.

Mrs. Norma-Jean Harder has been ill for some time now. She had a festering sore on her leg which made walking impossible.

Mr. Hayne Boije got sick at the terraforming plant. He went to see Dr. Zwieback, thinking it was appendix trouble. Boije presented with nausea, fatigue, and abdominal pain, which turned out to be hydrogen sulfide exposure, a common hazard among personnel at the oxygen factory. Boije was treated with supplemental oxygen therapy and placed on medical leave. He reports feeling much worse after watching Game of Thrones, Season 7.

Mr. Denny Walt was a school teacher in Campo 9 until ill health set in. Walt taught nonviolent martial arts in Campo 9. This powerful form of tactical prayer is a means to fight spiritual battles in the mind’s eye. Mr. Chino Zazzera is currently substituting for Walt until his health improves. 

Pete-Petey Peters of Altoona Colony become a school teacher in the Western frontier. He taught crokinole in Altoona Colony until Mr. Anatopp Siemens took over.

Raul Hellyah and Mr. Fook U. Harder trapped several insectoids. These sentient alien locusts are a scourge on our planet. They are constantly bugging us with their annoying puns. Another one was caught by Mort Stanley, Thomias Stanley, and Shaan Harder. Two more were caught by Herman Harder and were immediately executed on site. Meat is very expensive on Planet Colonia, and the flesh of these insectoid scum is to die for – at least, for them – not us, lol!

Rev. John-Jakob Funk here in New New Bothwell invested in a small peanut press. They tested the machine and got 2 liters of oil from about 2.5 kilograms of peanuts. Mr. Jakob-John Funk and some other shareholders are investing in a peanut butter factory.

Jason Flaggerty seems to be an unlucky man. The starship Schekjbenjel broke down again – what a jalopy! He’s been stranded in the village of Cockaroo for several weeks, waiting on a replacement anti-gravity capacitor.

I send best regards to Mr. Harry Dyck and our relatives from New Bothwell, Manitoba. Harry, your parents received the Bitcoin you sent lately.

As you know, I requested a news update from New Bothwell, but it seems no one paid me any attention. Is there anybody in New Bothwell that could do me this favour of sending me an update from my hometown in Canada? It would be much appreciated.

That’s life on Planet Colonia!

Until next time,

Don’t ask – don’t tell.

Mrs. Maria Dyck

Colonia Steinbach

Planet Colonia

Milky Way Galaxy

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